I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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