I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
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