moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
