hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
