He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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