Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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