i just sent this text using only my big toe
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
