3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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