You're completely useless in the revolution.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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