Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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