In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
