My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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