I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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