were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
