a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
