Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
