I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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