he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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