dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
How naked do you want me to be?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
