I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
