he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
