a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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