I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
