I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
