the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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