So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
