I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
