Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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