My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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