Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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