This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
