i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
