i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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