So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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