I just made out with a guy for $7.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
