this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
