You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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