3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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