Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
