Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
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Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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