I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
