is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
