she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
