I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
