Pants 0. Shit 1.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
