We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
