really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
