the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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