She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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