Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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