i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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