just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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