omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
