how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
