Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
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I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
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There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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