You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
