Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
