Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i barfeds in our rink
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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