dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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