cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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