dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
