you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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